Oscar Fashion On-Point, Probably Thanks to Xtava Girl.

March 10, 2016 8:50 pm

The only possible explanation for the stepped-up looks at the Oscars last night is that all of the celebrities read my decimation of the Grammy’s red carpet and were like, damn, we better bring our A-Game this time around.

So, you’re welcome America.

Things got pretty sexy on the red carpet, though nary a freed nipple was spotted. Olivia Wilde pretty much won the Academy Awards (but not actually) in a pleated white gown with plenty of side-boob action and a braided crown. Though some news sources have listed her as a Worst Dressed, if you’re wearing a Neil Lane choker, you can’t be the worst dressed. It’s science.

The San Jose Mercury News included Cate Blanchett as a Worst Dressed, who we noted as “a visual glory, like the perfect union of a mermaid and a garden fairy.” We feel strongly about this, and would like the San Jose Mercury News to consider this an open invitation to continue this debate. We’re prepared.

Another blonde totally killing it was J. Law, whose decision to go platinum was the best news in hair since that time Taylor Swift got bangs (can we get a Kickstarter campaign started on bringing those back?).

Margot Robie got super literal and dressed like an Oscar. But she’s so hot everyone was just like “Okay, Margot Robie! Two thumbs up!”

Dorith Mous, though I’m still unclear as to who she is, wore such a perfectly dramatic black lace gown it made me question every wardrobe choice I’ve ever made. I’m not exaggerating.

Priyanka Chopra was another show-stopper in my book in a sheer Zuhair Murad gown. But my Xtava partner in crime insisted she looked “like she was trying to do a Beyoncé circa 2014”. And though I want her to be wrong, she’s not.

Lily Cole wore a Vivienne Westwood Cinderella gown made entirely out of recycled bottles, but we were mostly obsessing over her electric blue manicure. Lady Gaga wore the chicest Brandon Maxwell pantsuit in a silhouette she’s been favoring of late, the structured hourglass.

Olivia Munn committed to orange being the new black, matching her Stella McCartney gown with a vibrant lip, and Chrissy Teigen again made being super pregnant seem super casual in a sexy lace mermaid gown.

While the extent of my interest in men’s fashion is capped at literally none whatsoever, Jared Leto gave me pause, as he appeared to be wearing a carnation bowtie. To quote my Xtava partner in crime, “He’s mesmerizing. I want to keep looking at him. What are on his shoes? Are they snakes? If those are velvet, yes. Yes. I’m into it.”

Daisy Ridley deserves an honorable mention for wearing a Chanel dress that was more work of art than wearable garment, and actually pulling it off. Snaps, Daisy.

All in all, I applaud Hollywood’s elite. Not for their accomplishments in the arts, but because they all really pulled it together last night. Even Sarah Silverman looked like she thought, “Oh, I’m headed to the Oscars” before she left her house. And that’s worth a standing ovation.

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