A Word (or 390) on The Grammys

March 8, 2016 8:57 pm

I wish I could tell you that I spent my Monday night silently meditating on my intentions for the week, sipping calendula tea as I waited for my dinner of assorted root vegetables to finish roasting.

And not that I skipped the gym to spend the evening downing Diet Mojitos (vodka, mint leaves, club soda, Splenda. Trust me.) and watching five hours of television so that I could judge the makeup and outfits of America’s most talented musicians.

Of course, the Grammys is not Fashion Week. Artists are not always fashion icons. They can’t all be David Bowie (though Gaga came close). Some of them have to be Christina Aguilera circa 2003.

But if I’m not here to declare that Janelle Monae was dressed like a convict from a Wes Anderson movie, who will?!

While overall the beauty game was weak, Alessandra Ambrosio won at smoky eyes with a bold metallic green and gold look.

But more importantly, how did an underwear model who is dating a denim entrepreneur and isn’t even in a Tay Sway music video get an invite to the Grammys? Is this like an email sign up situation?

Diamond White (also not a member of Taylor’s Girl Squad, but an actual, legitimate musician) was a smokeshow in a “Move with Caution” sheer gown censored only with a touch of strategic embroidery.

Beyoncé wore a wedding dress that made every bride-to-be pour a bottle of Merlot on her own gown and cry.

Chrissy Teigen deserved to receive an honorary Grammy for being so pregnant but still wearing heels and a gown. Having a food baby is enough to make me want to just give up and lie on the floor. She has a real baby inside her. Moment of silence, please.

Bella Hadid channeled Morticia Adams, casually killing it with the slick center part that made her look fabulously chic and always makes me look, according to my doting boyfriend, like I “maybe forgot to shower after the gym”.

Tove Lo figured the Grammys were as good a time as any to give the septum ring a try. And metallic pink eye shadow. But at least she was doing something interesting with her look, so I give her a ten.

Arianna Grande shocked and awed with a high half-pony and heavy eye makeup. What will she do next.

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